


september - on this harvest moon

by woodchoc_magnum



Series: you can tell everybody this is your song [5]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Caring Eddie Diaz, Christopher Diaz is a National Treasure, Eddie Diaz Needs a Hug (9-1-1 TV), Established Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Loves Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley Needs A Hug, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Evan "Buck" Buckley, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Protective Eddie Diaz, Romance, Soft Eddie Diaz, Whump, chimney has great taste in movies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:53:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25281163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/woodchoc_magnum/pseuds/woodchoc_magnum
Summary: "I just want to be the man you think I am.""You are that man. I see you." Buck's eyes were bright. "I've always seen you when nobody else did."
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: you can tell everybody this is your song [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816843
Comments: 80
Kudos: 646





	september - on this harvest moon

**Author's Note:**

> Is it really fanfic without someone getting a little whumped? ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Thank you to SevenSoulMates for her hand-holding!

****

* * *

**September**

"So I'm going to break-up with my fake boyfriend," Buck said to Eddie. They were cleaning up after dinner, Buck washing the dishes while Eddie dried them off.

Eddie gave him a confused look. "Why?"

"Because… maybe it'll get them off my back for a bit, and they'll stop asking to meet him." Buck nudged him with his shoulder. "You think it's a bad idea?"

"No, but you're going to have to sell it, I guess." Eddie took a plate from him and wiped it down, adding it to the stack. "Why'd you decide to do this all of a sudden?"

"I'm sick of lying. I'd rather pretend to be single again." Buck emptied the sink and took the towel to dry his hands, and then wrapped Eddie in a hug, pressing kisses to his cheeks.

Eddie exclaimed with surprise and smacked him, throwing his head back with laughter when Buck lifted him up onto the kitchen counter and kissed him properly. "Are you okay there?" he demanded when they parted, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

"Just wanted to kiss you, hot stuff." Buck grinned at him.

"Well, my son is in the other room," Eddie murmured to him, lifting his chin up, "so maybe we just need to cool it."

"It's been a while."

"I know." Eddie patted his back, and then hopped off the counter. "I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault." Buck kissed him again, cupping his face with both hands. "We've been busy."

They hadn't had a night alone at Buck's apartment in almost three weeks. Buck had barely been there – he'd stopped by a couple of times to grab more clothes, but other than that, everything was at Eddie's house. Buck had picked up some double shifts here and there, trying to make some extra cash – he had a plan for Christmas that he wanted to execute perfectly, and he needed to make a little extra money in the meantime.

So he hadn't been home much, he'd hardly seen Maddie either, and he and Eddie were both a little sex-starved, but Buck wasn't sure how they were going to resolve that when he gave up his apartment and moved in full-time. He only had two months left on his lease.

"Dad?" Christopher called from the living room, and Eddie gave him a quick kiss before heading out to join him.

Buck put the rest of the dishes away and wandered out to join them. Eddie was scrolling through Disney+, frowning deeply, as Christopher said, "But I don't want to watch that. That's for little kids."

"But you like _Finding Nemo_ ," Eddie said quizzically. "It's your favourite movie."

"I don't want to watch it!" Christopher was sitting on the couch, positively glowering, his arms folded across his chest.

Buck said, "What's happened?"

"Christopher has unilaterally decided that he doesn't like Disney movies anymore," Eddie replied, glancing over at him with a frown. "He wants to watch something for grown-ups."

"I want to watch _Independence Day._ Everyone says it's really cool, Dad. Why can't I watch it?"

"It might be a bit much, bud, I don't know, I haven't seen it in a long time." Eddie switched off Disney+ and went searching for it. "I don't know."

"I'll call Chim," Buck said to him. "He'll know."

"You haven't seen it either?"

"No, never. Hang on." Buck found his phone and called Chimney, who answered almost immediately. "Hey man. Is _Independence Day_ a suitable movie for a nine-year-old?"

Chimney laughed. "I mean, as long as he's not scared of aliens. Christopher wants to watch it?"

"Yeah, apparently one of his friends told him about it. We watched the first three _Jurassic Park_ movies."

"Well you can skip the two _Jurassic World_ ones, they're trash," Chimney said dismissively. "Look, it's PG-13, I think? There's not a lot of swearing. Some jump scares, that kind of thing. Hey – what are you doing at Eddie's, anyway? You said you were meeting your boyfriend tonight."

_Fuck._ Buck paused and then said, "Yeah, uh… that's not happening anymore. We broke up." He turned to find Eddie staring at him from the living room and shrugged at him. "Eddie's using his son to distract me."

"Well, wouldn't be the first time. Sorry to hear that, man," Chimney said sympathetically. "You're too good for him anyway."

"Thanks, buddy. So it's a tentative yes to the movie?"

"A tentative yes, but fingers crossed he's not too scared of aliens. Good luck."

"Thanks." Buck ended the call, giving Eddie a thumbs up. "Chim says it should be okay."

"Okay," Eddie replied, a little nervously. "All right. I guess this is what we're watching. Buck, you make the popcorn and I'll make us some milkshakes, okay?"

"Milkshakes!" Christopher cheered.

"Aren't you going to overload him before bed?" Buck whispered as they went into the kitchen.

"It'll be fine," Eddie replied confidently. "I've got sugar free chocolate syrup; he won't even notice the difference."

~

It was not fine. Christopher was a hyperactive ball of energy throughout the whole movie, screaming in parts, laughing hysterically in others, wriggling across their laps and just generally having a blast. In comparison, Buck was ready for a nap halfway through.

He was still hyper at the end, talking a mile a minute, even as Eddie coaxed him into the bathroom to change into his pyjamas, wash his face and clean his teeth before bed.

And once they finally wrestled him into bed, he wanted to talk to Buck very seriously about aliens – could the movie really happen? What would they do if the movie really happened? The alien spaceship was right over Los Angeles and then it blew up Los Angeles, so would they be okay, or would they get out of town quickly? Would Buck and Eddie make sure that he was okay?

Buck answered his questions one after the other, reassuring him that if aliens were real, they had more important intergalactic things to worry about than blowing up Los Angeles, and besides, if an alien spaceship did appear over Los Angeles, Buck would steal a fire engine and get them the hell out of town before anything bad could happen to them. He _promised._

And finally, Christopher was asleep.

They were both dead tired when they made it to bed, but Eddie flung his body on top of Buck's and buried his face in his neck.

"We have Saturday off," he mumbled. "I'll organise a sitter."

"Mmm, good. The movie was a bad idea."

"A really bad idea. He's going to have a nightmare for sure."

~

At 3am Christopher screamed, and Buck snapped awake instantly, but Eddie was already out of bed and hurrying across the hall to comfort him.

Buck rolled on his side, trying to go back to sleep, but then Eddie called his name.

He reluctantly stood up and went to join them – Christopher had the curtains to his room wide open and was peering up at the sky nervously, pointing to the stars. "What if that's them?" he asked Eddie.

Eddie gave Buck a helpless look, but Buck held a hand up and went to grab his phone from the charger in the kitchen. He returned to them and knelt beside Christopher on the floor, yawning as he opened his star-gazing app.

"See this," he said to Christopher, holding the phone out, "this shows you all of the stars in the sky above you at any time. If I point the phone at that bright star there, the one you're pointing at – it will tell me what it is. See?"

Christopher studied the phone, and then peered out at the sky again. "It's just a star."

"It's just a star. That's all."

"But aliens are real."

"Nobody knows for sure, buddy, but they're certainly not hanging around Los Angeles tonight."

Eddie patted Christopher's back. "How about we go to the planetarium next week," he suggested, "so you can see the stars for yourself."

Christopher frowned, looking up at the night sky suspiciously, as though he expected that aliens would suddenly appear over the city. "Okay."

Eddie kissed his head and helped him get back into bed. "I'll stay in here until you fall asleep," he promised, gesturing for Buck to go back to bed.

Buck was on his way out the door when Christopher suddenly shouted at him, "But Buck has to stay too! What if they get in through the window?"

He stopped in his tracks, turned around slowly and said, "I'll guard the window, bud. Don't worry. I'm on it."

~

He awoke at 6.30am with his back to the wall beneath the window, his entire body stiff. Eddie was snoring, his head in Buck's lap, and Christopher was awake, sitting up and rubbing his eyes.

"We slept in," he remarked, and Eddie sat up with a start.

"Huh?"

"We slept in, Dad."

"Oh, great." Eddie groaned, rubbing his eyes, rising to his feet. "Quick, mijo. Quick. Into the shower. Buck and I are going to be late for work."

~

They were ten minutes late. Buck went in Eddie's truck, his back and neck still sore from his awkward sleeping position. Eddie had downed two cups of coffee and was jittery, one hand rubbing up and down Buck's leg as they cut through traffic.

And sure enough Bobby was waiting for them, tapping his watch pointedly when they strode in together. "You're late."

"Eddie's fault," Buck replied.

Eddie shot him a dirty look. "Traitor."

"Yeah, well."

Buck had another quick shower, hoping to wake up, and changed into his uniform. Eddie was already up with the others, eating breakfast. He sat down to pull his boots on, glancing up when the door to the locker room opened and Hen leaned in.

"Hey," she said gently. "You okay? Chim told us about your break-up."

He had completely forgotten about that. "Yeah, I'm okay," he replied, lifting his chin up. "I think I was fooling myself a bit."

"I'm sorry, Buckaroo," she said, genuinely sympathetically. "I know you liked the guy."

"Yeah. Oh well." He flashed a smile, finishing lacing his boots. "Onwards, I guess."

Yes, onwards and up the stairs to where Eddie was drinking his third cup of coffee, and he wordlessly passed Buck a full cup as he arrived. Black with a lot of sugar – not the way he usually had it, but enough to keep him going for a while, anyway.

He'd drunk half when the sirens began to blare, but he quickly downed the last of it, and then followed Eddie down the stairs to the truck.

~~

Work was non-stop. Their first call was an accident on the freeway, and immediately from there they headed to a house fire in Inglewood. They were able to briefly return to the station to have lunch before heading out again, this time to a house in Brentwood where a man was having a heart attack on his roof. Buck and Eddie climbed the ladder and secured him, bringing him down by stretcher to where Hen and Chimney were waiting.

Eddie's eyes felt like they were going to fall out of his head. He felt sluggish, not his usual self, and Buck was clearly feeling the same way. They kept exchanging exhausted glances, trying to soldier on.

They only had an hour left of their shift when they were called to Crenshaw, where a house was well ablaze by the time they arrived. A woman was on her knees in the grass at the front of the house, screaming over and over, "Cody! Ella! Oh god!"

Hen hurried over to her and managed to extract some information while they prepared their equipment. She jogged back to them and said, "Two kids inside, last seen upstairs – the father is also searching for them and she doesn't know where he is. His name is Henry."

Bobby nodded, holding his hands up for them to pay attention. "All right - Buck, Eddie, I want you two to go around the back of the property. Chim and I are going in through the front. We'll head upstairs – you check downstairs and make sure you get the husband out. Understood?"

"Yep, got it," Eddie replied, holding out his fist so Buck could bump it with his own. They jogged around the side of the house, avoiding the billowing smoke and flames coming from a downstairs window. Eddie busted open the side gate and led Buck into the backyard. Smoke was pouring out of the open back door. Flames were burning from the upstairs windows, but the downstairs windows at the back of the house were dark.

"We're going in through the back, Cap," Eddie said into his radio.

"Copy that, Eddie."

Eddie led Buck up the back stairs and into the house. They were in the kitchen, which was full of smoke, and an eerie red glow was emanating at the end of the hallway. "I'll check down there," he said to Buck, pointing at the hall. "You go through that door there." He pointed to the closed door at the other end of the kitchen.

Buck nodded at him, and started through the kitchen, calling for the husband. " _Henry!_ "

Eddie made his way down the hall. The rooms to his left were clear; the room at the end – a downstairs bedroom - was engulfed in flames. He searched it but found nothing, and then turned to go back down to the kitchen. "Buck, you copy?"

There was no response, so he tried again. "Buck? Hey, Buck, answer me."

Again, no response. Eddie was in the kitchen, looking around in confusion. He went to the door he'd pointed Buck towards and pushed it open – this room was the main living and dining area of the house, and it was well ablaze. At the other end of the room he saw Chimney and Bobby descending the stairs, both carrying unconscious children.

"Buck!" Eddie shouted into his radio again, searching for him desperately. "Where are you?"

"Buck's missing?" Bobby's voice came through with concern.

"I can't find him. Buck!" Eddie shouted again, sweeping his flashlight around the living room before returning to the kitchen. "Buck, where the fuck are you?" He turned around and spotted _another_ fucking door – this one leading to the basement. He kicked it open, and smoke billowed out, momentarily blinding him. "Buck? Buck!" he shouted, not wanting to descend the wooden stairs into a room that was clearly burning out of control.

Suddenly he heard his radio crackle and a hoarse voice croak out his name. " _Eddie._ "

"Buck?" Eddie whirled around. "Where are you?"

There was nothing. Was he in the basement? Eddie leaned in further, trying to see through the smoke and flames that were already making their way up the staircase. No, he couldn’t be down there. The door had been shut. Buck would've told him if he was going down there.

Lost and confused, with flames licking the walls and ceiling of the kitchen, Eddie retreated onto the porch, and that was when he saw him – Buck, limp on the grass, mask and helmet askew, face bright red as a badly burned man choked the life out of him.

Eddie reacted in a split second, launching himself off the porch. He slammed into the guy, knocking him off Buck and onto the grass. The man staggered up, his hands covered with blood – _blood, what the fuck, Buck's blood?_ – and lunged at him, but Eddie ducked under his outstretched hands easily, slamming his fist into the guy's face. Was this Henry? Was this the father? He had no idea, but the man tried to grab him again, and Eddie threw two more punches with a scream of rage, knocking him out cold. The man dropped like a stone, collapsing face-down on the lawn.

"Cap, need urgent medical assistance in the backyard," Eddie shouted into his radio, only just realising that Bobby had been calling for him and Buck. "It's Buck, Buck's hurt. Bring a backboard."

He ripped his mask and helmet off and knelt over Buck's prone body, examining him. There was blood on his face and throat – looked like the guy had punched him a couple of times, and then tried to strangle him. Eddie checked his pulse – still there, still beating – and checked to make sure he was breathing – he was, though he was wheezing with every breath.

And suddenly Eddie was so fucking furious that he wanted to rip the man's head off, to beat him to a pulp, but Bobby was shouting his name as he rounded the side of the house, Hen and Chimney with him. "What happened?" Bobby demanded, dropping to his knees beside Buck.

Eddie said, his throat so tight he could hardly speak, "I came out and this guy was trying to kill Buck. Had his hands around his throat."

"That's the father," Bobby said, gesturing for the rest of the team to attend to him.

Hen was kneeling beside Buck's head. "The mother thinks the father lit the fire," she said to Eddie, glancing at him briefly as she checked Buck's injuries.

"There's a history of domestic violence," Chimney added from where he was kneeling near the father. "Jeez Eddie, you knocked this guy out cold. I think you broke his nose."

"Good," Eddie practically spat, still trembling with rage.

Buck was unconscious, his eyes closed. Hen gently wrapped a brace around his neck, her eyes flicking to Eddie. "We'll get him on oxygen in the ambulance," she said reassuringly. "I think he's going to be okay, Eddie. Just calm down, all right? You're freaking me out."

He nodded, taking a few deep breaths, trying to relax. "Okay. Sorry. Adrenaline."

"He's okay," she said again, nodding at him. "Let's get him out the front."

They loaded Buck onto a stretcher and carried him around the side of the house. The fire was well under control, and they were all drenched with water from the hoses by the time they made it to the front. Eddie stripped out of his turnout coat and gloves and climbed into the back of the ambulance beside Buck, ignoring Chimney's questioning look.

"We'll meet you at the hospital," Bobby said, closing the ambulance doors.

Chimney put an oxygen mask over Buck's face and tilted his head back, examining his neck. "He's going to have a nasty bruise. Hopefully there isn't too much damage." Buck suddenly gasped and opened his eyes, trying to sit up. Chimney pressed both hands to his shoulders and pushed him back. "Whoa, whoa, Buckaroo," he said. "Calm down. We're going to the hospital."

Buck's hand went to his throat briefly, and he managed to whisper hoarsely, "Eddie?"

"He's here, Buck," Chimney replied, casting another confused look Eddie's way.

Eddie grasped Buck's hand and leaned over him. "I'm here. You're okay."

"Couldn't… call you."

"I know. It's okay."

Buck closed his eyes again, gripping Eddie's hand. Chimney monitored his vitals and then said in a low voice, "You think the guy tried to kill him?"

Eddie nodded. He was so worked up, right on the brink of losing it and screaming, and only the consistent pressure of Buck's grip was keeping him grounded.

~

Buck was whisked off by hospital staff when they arrived, leaving Eddie, Hen and Chimney in the waiting room together. Eddie checked his watch and realised that he was going to be late, and then went outside to call Carla, still shaking with pent-up adrenaline.

"Hi, Eddie," she answered. "We're all ready to go for when you get home. Although I would recommend that maybe you don't show him any more alien movies—"

"Carla," he said hoarsely, cutting her off. He could hardly speak.

"Eddie? What's wrong?"

"It's Buck. Buck's in hospital." He walked further away from the entrance as one of their 118 pick-up trucks turned into the parking lot – Bobby, no doubt. "I'll have to call Abuela. Or I could ask you if it's okay for you to bring him here. I don't know what to do."

"Is Buck okay?" she asked with concern.

"He got hurt. He's… he was awake. I don't know." Eddie rounded a corner to hide, and doubled over, trying to control his emotions. "I came out of the house and this guy was strangling him, Carla, and I… fucking… I lost my mind, I don't know. I think I broke the guy's nose. I don't know. I just… Buck wasn't moving and there was blood."

"Eddie, I'm going to bring Christopher to the hospital," she said seriously.

"No, you can't, because… they don't know. Nobody knows." He happened to look down at his left hand, realising there was blood on it. Buck's blood. "Oh my god. I completely lost my mind for a second. I nearly lost him, again."

"He's okay," she reassured him. "He will be okay. I really think I should come to you."

"Christopher will tell them we're together. I can't risk it."

He heard voices at the entrance to the hospital, and then peered around the corner. Maddie had arrived, tears flowing, and Chimney was trying to reassure her.

Eddie returned to his hiding spot with his phone pressed hard against his ear. "Carla. I have no rights."

"Eddie, I'm sure he's going to be okay--"

"No, but if… if I hadn't gotten there when I did, and…" he swallowed reflexively, trying to spit the words out, "and the guy… and the guy had managed to… and there was nothing anyone could do, then… I have no rights. I have no rights now."

"Eddie, this is why you need to tell people that you're together," she said evenly. "They need to know that you're the person they need to be talking to about his care."

Tears leaked down his cheeks, and he brushed them away. "I'm so scared," he admitted. "I'm terrified."

"Why? They love you."

"Because I'm not the person they think I am. I'm something else."

"Oh, Eddie. You have to let people in. You let Buck in. They love you, and they would never judge you for anything. There's nothing wrong with being who you are and living a happy life with the person you love. Nothing at all. You know that. Why don't you think it applies to you?"

"Because my first marriage wasn't like this," he said, tears flowing again. "We fought all the time. It was so hard, all of it, and if she hadn't died, I would've kept trying, for _Christopher_. I didn't know it could be like this. I had no idea. I thought… I thought it was meant to be hard. That you were meant to argue and fight all the time, about everything, and constantly compromise, or go to bed angry. I don't fight with him, so there must be something wrong."

"You two argue," she pointed out. "But they're not mean arguments; there's no anger behind them. Neither of you gets particularly riled up. Relationships and marriage aren't supposed to be a constant struggle, Eddie. My husband and I don't fight like that. We have the occasional argument about something, but it blows over. Your partner is meant to support you and boost you up; be on your side. It's teamwork, and I can't think of a better team than you and Buck. I know you're upset; I know you're scared. It's okay. You have so many people who care about you both and want you to be happy."

Someone was calling his name, and he straightened up, wiping his eyes. "You think?"

"Yes," she said patiently. "Now, tell me which hospital you're at so I can come to you."

"Southern California Hospital," he replied. "Culver City."

"I'll be there soon. Call me if anything changes."

"I will." He hung up, wiping his eyes, and turned to find Athena waiting for him, her arms across her chest.

"Eddie."

He wrestled his emotions under control. "Yeah. I was just talking to Carla. Did you just get here?"

She raised her eyebrows. "Are you going to tell them tonight?"

"Tell them what?" he asked, trying to seem like he wasn't on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Athena eyed him, and then said quietly, "Eddie, there's no reason to keep this a secret anymore. Go in there and tell them."

He shook his head, wiping his eyes again. "No. No, I'm good. Not tonight. Thanks."

She gave him a patented Athena-scowl, and he shook his head, trying and failing to stop crying. Suddenly she was there, right up in his space, hugging him, and he stood stiffly for a moment before he hugged her back.

~~

His throat was on fire. It felt like he could hardly swallow, that even his tongue was swollen. They kept giving him sips of water, but it hurt to drink, which was horrible because he was so fucking thirsty.

He could barely talk, and he felt like absolute shit, the whole of his body aching. Maddie was standing in the room with him, her hand on his shoulder, listening as the doctor explained that he would definitely be in pain for the next few days but there was no permanent damage, and he should probably brace himself for a mostly liquid diet.

He wanted Eddie. Every single fibre of his being was desperate for Eddie; for him to be the one touching him; for him to be the one who was standing there talking to the doctor. He wouldn't be going home with Maddie, that was for damn sure.

The doctor left the room and Maddie smiled at him reassuringly. "So they're keeping you here tonight," she said, squeezing his hand, "and then tomorrow I'll pick you up and take you to my place."

He couldn’t bear the thought of not being with Eddie and Christopher, so he shook his head.

Maddie frowned. "Buck, you're not going home alone. I'll take care of you."

He shook his head again, emphatically, and his throat let out a painful protest. He winced, pressing his free hand to it, and managed a hoarse whisper, "No. Eddie."

Maddie blinked at him, confused. "Eddie? He's got Christopher to think about."

Buck shook his head again, gingerly this time, and tapped his chest pointedly. "Eddie. _Eddie._ "

"I don't understand…"

He screwed his face up, frustrated, and then searched for his phone, moving stiffly, trying to find it. "Phone." Maddie stood and retrieved it from where it was sitting with his clothes. She handed it to him, and Buck opened his photos and passed it back to her.

**~*~*~**

_**Maddie** _

Buck's whole camera roll was filled with Eddie and Christopher, every single picture.

Her brother had taken literally hundreds of pictures of them, daily, at work and at home. Pictures of Eddie laughing at the camera (and Maddie had never even seen him smile like that in real life) – so many photos of Eddie, who was clearly Buck's favourite subject matter. There were pictures of Buck and Eddie kissing and in bed together, videos of them goofing around for the camera and playing with Christopher. There were pictures of Buck with Christopher, who had a habit of gazing adoringly at him in almost every photo of them together; and even more pictures of the three of them together on their many adventures. Buck and his selfie stick, no doubt.

Buck's life with Eddie and Christopher was laid out before Maddie's very eyes, and she couldn't believe it. This was who he'd been sneaking around with, for months. This was why he'd been so secretive about it. This was why Eddie had been at both dinner parties, sitting there beside Buck in silent partnership. This was why Buck got that dumb, fond smile on his face any time Eddie was around. Her beautiful brother was in _love_ , and she'd had no idea.

She bit back her tears, sniffling, and said quietly, "There was no mystery firefighter boyfriend. It's always been Eddie."

Buck gave her a tired thumbs up.

"No one knows." Maddie looked down at his phone again, at a picture of Eddie in Buck's bed, wearing only a sheet. "This is why you won't tell them."

Another thumbs up.

"Do you think Bobby will split you up?"

Another thumbs up, and then a wiggle of his hand. He whispered hoarsely, "Eddie is scared."

She nodded, wiping a stray tear from her face. "I wish you'd trusted me enough to tell me."

Buck fumbled for her hand, giving her a long, solemn look. His blue eyes were rimmed with black circles, and he looked _exhausted._ "I wanted to." His voice was so gravelly and hoarse that the words were almost inaudible.

"But I can't tell Chim."

"No."

Maddie pressed her lips together, and then nodded. "Okay. Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to tell them all that you're too tired for visitors right now; that you can't keep your eyes open and you keep drifting off. And then I'll tell Eddie to stay behind so he can be with you. Okay?"

He gave her another thumbs up.

She bent over to kiss his forehead. "Okay. I love you, Buck. I love you so much. I promise I won't say anything until you're both ready."

"Love you."

She pressed her fingers to his lips and said, "No more talking, okay? Rest."

He bobbed his head, closing his eyes. Maddie left the room, taking a second to wipe her eyes and prepare herself, before striding out to the waiting room. They all stood as she entered – all of them, the whole station had arrived, and Bobby took a step forward.

"How is he, Maddie?" he asked with fatherly concern. "Can we go down to see him?"

She shook her head, making brief eye contact with Eddie, whose eyes were wide and full of quiet terror. He was in the back, Christopher in his arms and Carla at his side. "He can hardly keep his eyes open," she said ruefully, which was in fact the truth. "He keeps drifting off to sleep. The doctor says there's no permanent damage but he's going to have a few miserable days of not being able to swallow and eat anything much until the swelling goes down. He's got a bump on his head as well but no concussion or anything like that, and his nose isn't broken. They're keeping him in tonight just in case, but he'll be out tomorrow."

Eddie sagged with relief. Carla had her arm locked around his waist, but Maddie was the only one who could see them.

"Well, I'll need to talk to him," Athena said, one hand on her hip. "That man tried to kill him, and Buck needs to give a statement."

"He can hardly speak," Maddie replied. "His voice is almost completely gone. You're going to be waiting a few days. I know you all want to see him tonight, but he'll be out in the morning, and if you go down there now, you'll just wake him up. He needs rest."

Bobby nodded in agreement. "Okay," he said. "As long as he's all right. We'll head back to the station now and be back first thing in the morning to see him."

Maddie met Eddie's eyes again, tilting her head toward the hallway. Chimney was caught up in a discussion with Hen and Athena, and nobody noticed when Eddie, Carla and Christopher followed her down the hall to Buck's room.

"So, he just told me," she said to Eddie, whose face contorted, ever so slightly. "And I think you need to stay here with him, but I don't know how you're going to do it without them finding out."

Carla said to Eddie, "I'll handle it."

Eddie shot her a quick look. "How?"

"I'll tell them you feel guilty about what happened, and you wanted to see him on your own." Carla patted his face with her hand. "I'll get them out of here, Eddie. You and Christopher take care of Buck."

He nodded, turning to Maddie. "I asked him not to tell you. Don't be mad at him."

"I'm not mad at either of you." She smiled shakily at him. "Besides, we're probably going to be related soon, right? No reason to get all bent out of shape."

Eddie smiled – briefly, but it was there. He nodded and said, "Yeah, I'm gonna marry your brother. I've known that for a while."

"Well, you better get in there." She patted him on the back, waved to Christopher, and he pushed open the door to the room and stepped inside.

**~*~*~**

Buck's eyes were closed when he entered, Christopher in his arms. He had oxygen tubes in his nose and was hooked up to a machine to monitor his heartbeat. There were bandages on his throat, and bruises on his face – two black eyes and a scratch down one cheek.

" _Buck_ ," Christopher breathed. "Dad, is he okay?"

"He's going to be." Eddie sat Christopher down on the chair near the bed and patted his head briefly, before leaning over to touch Buck's cheek. "Buck."

Buck stirred in his sleep, and then opened his eyes slowly. His face relaxed into a smile and he mouthed, ' _Eddie.'_

"Baby." Eddie pressed his lips to his forehead in a soothing kiss. "You're okay."

Buck bobbed his head in acknowledgment.

"Chris and I will stay here with you tonight."

Buck turned his head slightly, wincing, and then smiled when he spotted Christopher. He lifted his hand in a wave, and Christopher gave him a tearful smile.

"He's okay, buddy," Eddie said reassuringly. "He just can't talk right now. You want to give him a hug?"

Christopher nodded vigorously. Eddie picked him up and carefully placed him on the bed beside Buck, who held his arms out so that Christopher could hug him. Eddie pulled the seat up to the bed and rubbed his face with both hands.

"We came too close," he said to Buck, who blinked at him over the top of Christopher's head. "Can't do that again, baby. Can't lose you."

Buck pointed at him, and whispered hoarsely, "Out of nowhere."

"You didn't see him?"

Buck raised his thumb, and then wrapped both arms around Christopher, kissing the top of his head.

Eddie said quietly, "Nothing we could do about that, I guess."

"Buck, are you going to be able to talk again soon?" Christopher asked worriedly.

Buck patted his back reassuringly.

Eddie said, "He's just got a sore throat. He'll be okay in a few days."

"Promise?"

"We promise."

~

Buck sent Eddie and Christopher home after an hour or so – gesturing for them to go, whispering that all he was going to do was sleep. Eddie wanted to stay with him, but he couldn't do that to Christopher, who was already asleep on his shoulder. He kissed Buck goodbye, lingering over him for a few minutes, before finally heading out the door.

In the morning he was up with the dawn. He and Christopher ran through their morning routine quickly and efficiently, and then he drove them to the hospital, running smack into Bobby in the waiting room.

"Eddie," Bobby said with surprise. "What are you doing here so early?"

"Hi Cap," Christopher greeted him cheerfully.

Bobby smiled at him. "Hi Christopher."

Eddie set Christopher on the floor and took his hand. "Buck's going to stay with us for a few days."

"Oh." Bobby looked confused. "I thought he was going to Maddie and Chim's."

"He doesn't want to be a burden on them, not when she's pregnant. I told him he could stay with us. I feel responsible."

"Eddie, this wasn't your fault, at all," Bobby replied with concern. "Not at all. That man was deranged."

"I know, but… if we'd stuck together, I might've been able to stop it."

"You did stop it. You saved Buck's life." Bobby folded his arms across his chest, searching Eddie's face. "I'm worried about you. There's something going on."

Eddie shook his head. "No, I just… I just… I owe it to him."

"He doesn’t think that, I'm sure."

"Cap, are you trying to talk me out of helping my best friend?" he asked, trying to keep it light, trying not to panic. "Because it kind of feels like you are."

"No, not at all," Bobby replied quickly. "But I’m just concerned… you've got Christopher to think about. Buck wouldn't want to be a burden on you."

Eddie glanced down at Christopher, who thankfully was distracted by the people bustling around the hospital. "Bobby, he's coming home with me," he said firmly. "I let him down. I'm going to make it up to him. I'm not… going to be talked out of it; I'm not going to change my mind."

Bobby frowned. "Okay," he finally said. "If that's what you want. He's your best friend. I know how close you are."

_You actually have no idea_ , Eddie thought, lifting Christopher up into his arms again. "Have you seen him this morning?"

"I was just on my way out. He can't speak at all today. You'll have to talk to the doctors about what to do for his throat."

Eddie nodded. "Okay. I will."

Bobby grasped his shoulder and gave it a squeeze, starting to the door. "And uh… I'll get someone to cover your shift," he offered. "You can owe it to someone. Is that okay?"

Eddie nodded again. "Yes. Thank you." He flashed Bobby a quick smile and then started down the corridor, Chris in his arms. "Now, Buck's neck is going to be bruised," he said, "so just be prepared, okay? And he can't talk, so we're going to take care of him."

"Okay," Christopher agreed.

"You can be his doctor when we get home."

"Okay!"

Buck was sitting on the edge of the bed when they entered the room, his feet dangling. His face lit up when they entered, and Eddie hurried over to hug him, kissing him quickly. "Hi baby."

Buck made a little noise and buried his head against Eddie's neck.

Eddie pulled away long enough to sit Christopher on the bed beside him – Buck immediately slid an arm around his shoulders and pulled him close – before cupping his face with both hands and examining his bruises. He tilted Buck's head back and hissed at the discolouration of his throat – angry purple and red bruises marred his skin, and there were scratch marks under his jaw.

"I'm sorry," Eddie whispered to him. "It's my fault."

Buck closed his eyes briefly, shaking his head slightly.

"Are they letting you go?"

He gave a small nod.

"Do I need to wait to talk to anyone?"

Another nod. Eddie kissed him in response, wrapping one arm around him and pulling Chris in close to their huddle. Buck breathed against his chest, and when Eddie pulled away again, he was smiling.

~~

Not being able to speak was _interesting_.

It didn't stop Christopher from chattering in the car all the way home, or Eddie from occasionally asking him questions, forgetting that he couldn't answer. Eddie kept reaching out to touch him, as though he was afraid Buck would vanish again.

Buck was afraid of that too.

Carla and Eddie's Abuela were waiting for them when they arrived, and Carla greeted him first, fussing over his injuries, before Eddie's Abuela had a chance to examine him. When she saw the state of his face and throat, her eyes welled with tears and her hand went to her mouth. She wrapped him in a fierce hug, kissing his cheek. Buck loved her; loved the comfort she provided.

Once Christopher was set up on the floor with a puzzle, Eddie said to his Abuela, "Buck and I are in love. He's going to live here with us."

She looked confused at first, glancing back and forth between them, but then something in her expression changed, and her eyes lit up. "It's true, then? You are together? We had hoped."

Eddie nodded, holding both her hands. "Yes. I'm in love with him."

Buck gave a thumbs up, wincing as Carla applied soothing cream to his injuries. She admonished him with a look, but he smiled at her and she relented, kissing his cheek.

Eddie and his Abuela were hugging. Eddie's eyes lingered on Buck, on his bruises, and his expression darkened.

What Buck wanted to say to him was that there was nothing Eddie could have done to stop it from happening. Buck had started through the kitchen but stopped abruptly when the door to the basement flew open and a crazed man leapt out at him. They'd wrestled– Buck was confused at first, trying to help him, but gave up when he kept getting punched – and then he was dragged outside, his helmet ripped off, and hit so hard that he'd almost blacked out. He remembered saying Eddie's name before strong hands closed around his throat, and after that his memories were foggy – he was sure he was going to die.

And then Eddie was there to save him.

He could read Eddie's mind; knew what he wanted. Knew that when they were alone and Christopher was asleep, Eddie would examine him from top to bottom, reassuring himself that Buck was okay; that he was still alive and in one piece. Eddie would feel guilty about something that wasn't his fault, and punish himself for it, until Buck would finally be able to make him understand that there was nothing he could've done.

Carla tsk'd over his injuries. "You poor thing," she said sympathetically. "Do you want to try to drink some water?"

He nodded. He'd been dying of thirst all night, and all they'd given him was some ice to suck on. While Carla was pouring him a glass of water from the pitcher in the fridge and hunting around for a straw, Eddie's Abuela came over to check on him, examining his face with concern. Buck smiled, trying to reassure her, and she kissed him on the forehead and rubbed his back.

Carla handed him a glass of water with a straw and he took a sip, wincing at first. Eddie hovered near him, his hand to his mouth, eyes trained on him worriedly, but relaxed when Buck was able to swallow.

"That's good," Carla said, patting his shoulder and taking the glass from him. "Now, we're going to make you some Jell-O and make sure you've got lots of soft food to eat, okay?"

Abuela said, "Lots of sweets, Buck," and Buck managed a smile.

"Sweets?" Christopher questioned from the living room, and Abuela gave a laugh, hurrying out to admonish him.

Carla handed Buck another glass of water, and then turned to Eddie. "You'll need to do some grocery shopping, okay? I'll write you a list."

"Okay," he agreed. "I'm a terrible cook."

She laughed. "Don't worry about that. Between your Abuela and I, we've got it covered. Now, Buckaroo – you look like death warmed up. Time to get some rest." Buck gave a tired nod.

"I'll help you," Eddie said, holding his hands out to pull Buck into a standing position. They went down the hall together to the bedroom, but Buck paused at the shower, tugging on Eddie's shirt. "You want a shower?" Eddie whispered.

He nodded.

"You want me to help?"

He nodded again.

Eddie kissed him firmly, and then pushed open the door to the bathroom. "Okay. Let's get you undressed."

~

Fifteen minutes later he was showered, changed and in bed, the air-conditioning on and a blanket pulled up around his shoulders. Eddie was sitting alongside the bed on the floor, leaning against the nightstand, holding Buck's hand loosely.

"I know you can't talk, so just listen," he said, turning his head to the side to meet Buck's eyes. "I feel guilty as shit, Buck, and I know you're going to say it's not my fault. But I feel like it is."

Buck made a noise of protest, but Eddie shook his head. "No, it is. I didn't know where you were. I was trying to find you. I don't know what happened and you can't even talk to me about it."

Buck gripped his hand tightly, trying to convey with his eyes that it wasn't his fault. Eddie seemed hell bent on blaming himself for something that neither of them had any control over.

"And then I get to the hospital and I can't see you because they don't know about us, and we're not… official. I'm not your in-case-of-emergency person and you're not mine. So… we need to do something about that." Eddie was chewing on his lower lip, his eyes trained on a spot over Buck's shoulder.

Buck shook his hand insistently, and when Eddie blinked at him, he mouthed, ' _Tell them.'_

"I can't, Buck. I know it's stupid. I just keep… I keep running through it in my head, like… Bobby splitting us up, and… if I'm not there for you, and you're not there for me, we can't look out for each other. And I already let you down." He bit down hard on his lip, tears shining in his eyes. "Fuck."

Buck released his hand and reached out to touch his face. "Not your fault," he managed to choke out. "Stop."

"You're not supposed to talk." Eddie wiped his eyes with his shirt sleeve.

"I'm okay."

"I know you are, but—"

"Stop." Buck clasped Eddie's chin, gazing at him imploringly. "It's time."

But Eddie shook his head firmly. "I'm not ready."

Buck sighed, slumping against the pillows, closing his eyes. Eddie clutched his hand and held it to his face, but Buck didn't have the strength to try to reassure him. It was too hard to try to have a conversation about it when he was in so much pain, and Eddie was trapped in a spiral of misery.

"Get some sleep, okay?" Eddie whispered to him, and suddenly kisses were peppering his face. "I love you. I love you so much."

Buck opened his mouth and kissed him back, sliding one hand around the back of his neck to hold him in place. Eddie's tears dripped onto his cheeks.

~

When Buck was alone, and before he went to sleep, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand and sent Eddie a text:

_This was not your fault. Stop blaming yourself. I didn't know he was there until he was hitting me. This could've easily happened to you instead of me, and you know it. I'm okay. I know you're freaked out, but I promise you I'm okay._

_I love you so much, Eds._

He sent the text and rolled onto his side, tucking the pillow under his head.

A minute later the door opened again, and then Eddie crawled into bed behind him, wrapping his arms around Buck's chest and clinging to him. "I love you too. I was just so scared."

Buck patted his arm reassuringly.

"I'll think about telling them, okay? I promise, baby." He threaded their fingers together, kissing the back of Buck's neck. "You want me to stay a little while?"

"Mmm." Buck closed his eyes, already drifting off to sleep.

~~

By Friday, Buck could speak again, albeit very hoarsely. Eddie was back at work, and Christopher was at school, so he spent most of the day lying on the couch watching TV. Christopher was due home at 3.30, and he dragged himself up at 3pm and tried to tidy up a bit.

He was in the kitchen when there was a knock at the door, and went out to find Athena on the porch, her police cruiser parked behind Buck's Jeep on the street.

"Hey," he greeted her, his voice gravelly. "Come in."

Athena hissed with sympathy when she saw the black bruises on his throat and face. "Oh my god," she said, taking him in her arms when she was inside the house. "Oh, Buck."

"I'm okay." It was his standard response, and really, he was okay – despite Eddie acting as though he was going to fall apart at any second.

"How's your voice? Can you talk to me about what happened? I need to fill out your statement so we can add to his list of charges."

"I can try." He gave her a lopsided smile and gestured to the dining table. "Coffee?"

"No thanks, Buckaroo, I finished a cup before I got here. I'm not bothering you, am I?"

He shook his head. "Waiting for Chris to get home, then going to the station to pick up Eddie."

Athena arched her eyebrows. "Do they know about you two yet?"

"No." He sat across from her, trying to clear his throat. "He's not ready yet."

"Well… honestly, I thought they would've figured it out after this, but all Bobby can talk about is how wonderful Eddie is for taking care of you when you're unwell," she replied, rolling her eyes. "Even after I pointed out to him that this is a two- bedroom house. He just assumed Eddie has a pull-out sofa."

Buck managed a laugh. "He doesn't."

"Well." Athena smiled warmly at him. "I don't understand how they can't see what's right in front of their eyes."

"Because—" he choked a bit, swallowing, and said, "they don't see that side of him. Not like I do. They can't see it."

"Who, Eddie?"

Buck nodded. "He's different at work. He doesn't let them see him how he truly is." _The best guy in the world._

"But he's never had that problem with you," she pointed out.

Buck gave a smug grin, shrugging coquettishly. "Maybe."

Athena swiped at him playfully, shaking her head with amusement. "God, you two. I'm glad you found each other."

"Me too."

"All right, let's get into it, so long as you're okay to speak," she said, pulling out her notepad. "Talk me through what happened."

He ran through it again quickly, wanting it out of the way by the time Chris returned from school. He didn't have a clear recollection once they were out on the lawn, but he remembered the hands around his throat – he couldn't help but shiver as he remembered how his life had flashed before his eyes before he lost consciousness. Eddie would never need to know about that.

Athena took it all down. By the time they were finished the front door was opening, and Carla was leading Christopher into the house.

"Hey buddy," Buck greeted him, and Christopher hurried to him to give him a hug. "Look who came to visit."

"Hi Athena," Christopher said shyly, slipping out of his crutches and letting Buck lift him onto his lap.

"Hi yourself, young man," she replied, patting his cheek affectionately. "Nice to see you again."

"And you remember Carla," Buck said.

"Oh we know each other," Carla replied with a beaming smile. "Nice to see you under better circumstances, now that our Buckaroo is on the mend."

"Yes indeed," Athena replied, pocketing her notebook again. "He likes to make us worry about him."

Buck rolled his eyes, resting his head on Christopher's shoulder. Christopher said loyally, "He's a hero."

"Yes, he is," Athena replied, patting Buck's knee. "All right. I'm going to go file my report and throw some more charges at that man. When you and Eddie finally take the leap, Buck, you'll come over to our house for dinner. Deal?"

"Deal," he agreed.

"And I think Harry wouldn't mind seeing you as well," she said to Christopher. "It's been a while."

Christopher nodded eagerly. "Okay."

"I'll walk you out," Carla said to Athena, and the two women chatted as they went to the door.

Buck said to Christopher, "We're going to go see your Dad soon, okay? You want to change your clothes?"

"Okay. Buck, can we watch _War of the Worlds_? My friend Dylan says it's awesome."

"Uh… let's clear that with your Dad, first."

~~

On Saturday, Eddie dropped Christopher to Hen and Karen's house for a sleepover. Buck was organising some food for them and would meet him at his apartment, and Eddie was itching to join him, but Karen took him by the arm and led him purposefully into the kitchen while Hen was distracted with the kids.

"Okay, she has no idea," Karen said to him in a low voice. "She thinks Buck is staying with you because you feel guilty."

"Well, I do feel guilty, but—"

"And how long are you going to keep this up? Eddie, I'm not trying to force you to make a decision here, but the longer this goes on, the more upset they're going to be that you don't trust them."

"It's not that I don't trust them," he said in a low voice.

"Then what is it? Your family?"

"No, they're all pretty supportive, actually. Well, my parents don't know."

Karen made a face at him. "Then why won't you tell your friends? You could at least tell Hen, Eddie. Out of everyone, you don't think we understand what it's like?"

"That's not it at all."

"Then what is it?"

He backed away from her, shaking his head. "I can't do this."

" _Eddie._ "

"I just… why does it have to be a thing? Why can't we just be together, and nobody knows and it's fine?" he asked, trying to keep his voice low. "I just want… I don't want a fuss. If we were straight—"

Realisation flooded her face. "And that's the problem," she said quietly, her hand on her hip. "You're ashamed."

"No, I'm not," he said quickly, trying to backtrack.

"Yes, you are. That's the fundamental problem." Karen sighed. "Eddie, I know you know that it's okay to be gay. So why do you think it’s not okay for _you_ to be gay?"

His jaw dropped. "I… never…"

"You don't have to. It's written all over your face. He doesn't care what anyone thinks of him, but you do. How do you expect to do all the thing you want to do if you're never honest with people? You think Buck's going to want to continue on like this forever?"

He swallowed hard. "No."

"You need to be realistic. Living your truth reveals the people around you for who they are. The ones who are against you because of your sexuality are not the kinds of people you need in your life." She folded her arms across her chest, levelling a hard stare at him. "The others will rally around you and support you. You need that, and Buck does too. You know he does."

"He said he's okay," Eddie said weakly.

"Maybe, but it's still not fair to him. I mean, it's your call, but… you've got a kid who is going to think that you and Buck hiding means there's something to be ashamed of," she pointed out. "And what if Christopher grows up thinking that's normal?"

His heart seized in his chest. That was the absolute last thing that he wanted for his son.

"Listen, Eddie—" Karen broke off when Hen called out to her, and footsteps sounded in the hall. "Yes, babe?"

"Do we have any of that water-based paint left? I thought for sure I had some pots in the cupboard." Hen stopped in the entrance to the kitchen, gazing in at them curiously. "What's going on?"

"I better be off," Eddie said to them quickly, avoiding the question. "I'll pick him up in the morning. Thanks so much for this."

"It's no problem. Eddie, are you okay?" Hen asked with concern.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just… gotta go." He flashed them a tight smile, held his hand up in a wave and hurried out of the house, ignoring the look of concern on Karen's face.

Was that the actual problem, underneath everything else? Had he not come to terms with his own sexuality? He'd tried to take Buck's lead, because Buck simply didn't care what anyone thought of him, but… Eddie did care. He was nervous any time they showed affection in public; he was worried that someone was going to say something to them and that he would have to protect Buck and shield Christopher from the hatred in the world.

And there were his parents to think about, who would be disappointed but in a different way to Buck's – his father already looked at him like he was a failure. How could he possibly tell them that he was a failure in this respect as well? That he wasn't going to meet some nice Latina woman, settle down with her and have another couple of kids? That he'd fallen for the blonde haired, blue-eyed best friend he'd met at work?

The team would be okay, but he was not okay with jokes or innuendo. He was not okay with anyone making fun of them. He was not okay with them knowing that sometimes he and Buck liked to get a little rough together – god, they already did know that, and he was _mortified._

At the end of the day he was old school; he'd grown up with the idea that sex was vanilla, and it was between a man and a woman. He was supposed to replace Shannon with someone who could give him more children – someone his parents would approve of, and they would have the big wedding he never had the first time. It was ingrained in him, the sense of 'right and wrong' that his parents had forced upon him and his sisters when they were growing up.

Eddie had spent a lifetime disappointing them, and while he _knew_ what he wanted – his and Christopher's future with Buck – there was the part of him that wished that for _once_ something he wanted would also make his parents happy. He wished for a world where they were supportive of him, instead of constantly crushing him with their disapproval.

He just wasn't ready to face it yet. Couldn't they stay in their bubble a little longer?

~

Buck was waiting for him at the apartment when he arrived, dressed only in a pair of shorts as he rummaged around in the kitchen. Eddie let himself inside and leaned against the door, looking around the apartment they'd already begun clearing out – taking stuff to Eddie's so they could start their future together.

His conversation with Karen had him wracked with guilt, his mind racing, almost in a panic. He didn't know what to do; how to talk to Buck about it without completely ruining everything.

Buck gave him a questioning look, raising his eyebrows. "Babe?" His voice was still hoarse, and occasionally faded to a whisper. In the mornings he could only croak out short responses to questions, but by night he could usually hold a conversation.

Eddie straightened up, tossing his keys on the counter. He wiped his hands on his pants and stepped further into the apartment, eyes travelling over the bare walls and empty living area. Fuck, what was he going to do? He wanted Buck – wanted him _desperately_ – but it would mean losing his parents, wouldn't it? He would have to make a choice.

"Eddie."

"I lied to you," he blurted out, and then cringed, twisting his hands together. " _Fuck._ "

Buck paused. "What about?"

"About… why I don't want to come out. Karen confronted me today…" he trailed off, staring at the floor. "And I realised that I'm a fucking liar."

Buck leaned against the bench; eyes trained on him with concern. "So tell me. What are you so freaked out about?"

"You won't like it."

"Try me." Buck flashed him a smile.

Eddie swallowed hard. "Because I'm ashamed that I fell for a guy instead of… finding Christopher a new mother. I feel selfish, like… I did something I wasn't supposed to do. That I put my needs over his."

The smile faded from Buck's face. He seemed to fold in on himself before Eddie's very eyes, _crushed_. "Do you think that I can't be his parent?"

"No." Eddie raked his hands through his hair. "But my parents will say that a boy needs a mother, not two fathers."

"Eddie, it's 2020. Kids can have two fathers or two mothers."

"They don't really think that way, Buck."

"And my parents do?" Buck cleared his throat, swallowing hard, and said, "Your happiness is important too. Your son wants you to be happy."

"Yeah, but maybe… maybe a kid needs a mother in his life," Eddie said weakly, "and maybe I've been selfish, with you… wanting you, when I should be thinking about what's best for him."

"So you _don't_ think I'm good enough for Christopher?" Buck looked and sounded so goddamn _hurt_.

Eddie's heart seized in his chest. "That's not what I meant."

"It is, though." Buck looked down at the ground, his eyes shining with tears. "I didn't know you felt like this. That I wasn't good enough for you and Christopher."

"No," Eddie said desperately. "It's not what I think – it's what they're going to say to me."

"So? Who cares what they think?"

"I do."

Buck gaped at him, and then made a face, turning away. "You haven't cared for the last six months," he muttered, yanking the fridge open to retrieve a beer. "You haven't cared at all. You're the one talking about moving in together and marriage; you're the one pushing for me to be with you."

"Buck."

"No, Eds… if I'm not good enough for you, what are we even doing?" Buck gave him a haunted look. "I _love_ Christopher. I would do anything for him. I would lay down my life for you both. And I can't give you what you need?"

Tears were burning in his eyes. "No," he said helplessly. "That's not what I meant."

"It's a very old-fashioned way of thinking, that kids need a mother and a father," Buck said, clearing his throat again. "And you know it's bullshit. I know you do."

"I'm not supposed to be in love with a man," Eddie whispered, full of shame – shame that he had to admit this to the person he loved, the man he wanted to spend his life with – ashamed that he felt this way about himself, when he was intelligent enough to realise how _stupid_ it was.

Buck was expressionless for a few long moments before his face twisted into a scowl. "Oh for fuck's sake," he practically spat, and then clutched at his throat, struggling to speak. "Fuck. Listen to me, Eds, because I mean every word. Okay?"

Eddie nodded, on the verge of tears.

Buck paused, swallowing reflexively, as if lubricating his throat. "You're in love with a man. You're in love with me. If you try to turn it off now, you'll make us all miserable. It's not something you can just switch on and off and you know that. You know what you're saying is wrong, but you're letting yourself think like your parents. What's to say they won't love me? You haven't given them a chance."

"I know them better than you."

"Yeah, but you don't know _this_ for sure. And even after everything—" Buck's voice faded out, and he coughed again, before continuing, "after everything they put you through with Christopher, they put you and Shannon through – you still want to try to live your life according to what they want? Even if it makes you and Christopher unhappy? Even if it means losing me?"

Eddie blinked rapidly; his mouth hanging open. "Fuck," he said quietly. _Holy shit, he's right._

"You're never going to be able to please them. You will never win." Buck uncapped the beer with his hand and took a swig, making a face as he swallowed. "You know how I know this? Because I've dealt with the same shit. I just recognised it was toxic and cut it out of my life. The sooner you do the same, the better you'll feel."

"Can I really do that, though? Cut them out of my life?" The thought was simultaneously terrifying and _hopeful_. A world without his parents constantly questioning him was almost too much to hope for.

Buck shrugged. "I don't know. Do you want to see them? Do you want to spend time with them? Do you want Christopher to be around them? Honestly."

His voice was soft when he replied, "No."

"Then… it's up to you Eddie, but I think you know what the answer is." Buck had another mouthful of beer and leaned on the counter, gazing at him unhappily. "What are we doing if you're having this crisis of confidence? This morning everything is fine, and then Karen says one thing to you and it's the end of the world. What do you want? Do you want us to break up? Do you really want me to date other people? You can't even stand when men and women look at me. What if Taylor Kelly rang me up for a date?"

"No," he said emphatically. " _I love you._ "

"You love me," Buck said. His voice was fading. "You asked me out. You pursued me. You wanted this. You let me fall in love with you too. You're the one who talks about getting married. You're the one who wants me to move in. You have been pushing for this, fighting for us, from the first day. And now you're scared?"

"I…"

"What do you want?" Buck tried to raise his voice, but it came out in a hoarse whisper. "Tell me."

Eddie groaned, doubling over. "I want you, of course I want you. I just don't want to feel like I'm a constant disappointment."

"You are not a disappointment to me."

"But I am to them."

"Then why do you care what they think?"

"Why don't you?" he countered. "Your parents—"

"Because I've accepted that they're not good people, Eddie." Buck's voice was suffering, cutting in and out with every second word. His hand was on his throat, and tears were in his eyes. "And I don't waste my time on people who aren't good."

Eddie knelt on the floor, his knees to his chest, arms wrapped around himself. "Maybe I just can't do it anymore, you know? The constant disappointment, feeling like I'm not good enough. Feeling like I'm a failure all the time. If I'm not good enough for my own parents, how can I ever be good enough for you and Christopher?"

Buck was silent, and then moved so he was sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of him. "Eds. You're the love my life. You are enough for me."

"But—"

"No buts." Buck gave him a long look, his beautiful face bruised and battered. Eddie's lips trembled. "I love you. If you ended things today… I'd just spend the rest of my miserable life pining for you."

He blinked rapidly. "I just feel like a failure."

"You're not. You're _wonderful._ "

"But my parents—"

"Your parents are as bad as mine. They just hide it better." Buck reached over to take Eddie's hands. Eddie sank down onto his knees, gazing at him helplessly.

"But I disappoint everyone."

"You've never disappointed me, my love." Buck's voice came out in a husky whisper, and he tried to clear his throat again.

"But…"

"Not for one single second of knowing you."

"But I yelled at you, I—"

"People fight. We make up. It doesn't matter." Buck lowered his head as though he was bowing to him, and then pressed his lips against Eddie's hands reverently. " _I love you._ You are enough."

A tear slid down his cheek. "I am?"

"Yes. You and Chris, the loves of my life." Buck looked up at him again imploringly. "You have nothing to be ashamed about. We've done nothing wrong. You know that; I know you do."

He hung his head. "I know."

"You're so scared." Buck shifted so he was on his knees, pulling Eddie in until his head was pressed against his chest. "But you've got me, Eds. You've always got me."

Eddie sniffled. "You're too good for me. I'm going to disappoint you as well."

Buck swayed back and forth; Eddie wrapped in his arms. "No, you're not. It's going to be okay."

"God, Buck…"

"I know. It's okay." Buck kissed the top of his head. "We'll deal with your parents and whoever else comes along, together. I've got your back, remember?"

Eddie nodded. "Yes."

"We got it tattooed on us, babe. It's pretty permanent." Buck cleared his throat again, pulling away slightly. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I just… I'm sorry. Karen… was asking me."

"About coming out?"

"Yeah, and…" he swallowed hard. "On the way over here, I kept thinking of all the ways I'm disappointing you. It was like a movie playing in my head. And I keep seeing you on the grass, you know… with that man on top of you… I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but baby—"

"Eddie, you have to stop," Buck whispered, cupping his face with both hands. "Stop being so goddamn hard on yourself all the time. We'll tell your parents, and we'll deal with it."

"You promise you won't leave?"

"God, where the hell am I going to go?" Buck kissed his forehead reassuringly. "I'm in no hurry to come out."

"But…"

"No buts. When you're ready."

"But Karen—"

"Karen doesn't know what I want. You know what I want." Buck rested his chin on Eddie's shoulder. "Babe, whatever we decide to do, we'll do it together, like we always have."

Eddie clutched at him, sliding his hands across his naked back, pressing soft, open kisses to his sore neck. "I love you," he whispered in his ear.

Buck let out a breathy laugh. "I know. I love you too. Stop trying to dump me."

"You're my soul mate," Eddie said in his ear. "I'm just terrified of losing you."

"You won't. I'm not going _anywhere._ Whatever they throw at us, we'll handle." Buck kissed his cheek and then found his lips in another firm, reassuring kiss. Eddie melted into his arms, still feeling like shit, and guilty, guilty, guilty.

When they parted, and before Buck could kiss him again, he said, "I never meant to make you feel like you wouldn't be a good parent to Christopher. You already _are._ That's not what I meant at all. What I meant is that… I worry that you're too good for me, that I'm… going to drag you down. Let you down. And that maybe one day the only reason you'll stay is because of Chris, and—"

Buck clapped a hand over his mouth, eyes trained on him disbelievingly. "Are you hearing yourself? You think you're going to drag me down? _Eddie._ You are so fucking hard on yourself and you don't have to be – especially not about this. I have loved you from…" he trailed off, his voice choked. "From the first fucking second I laid eyes on you, when… when my heart stopped and it didn't start again until you smiled at me, until we were friends, finally… and through everything, Shannon coming back and me being with Ali, and the tsunami and the lawsuit… through everything…" his voice was a hoarse whisper, but he was desperately trying to get the words out, "through all of that I kept falling more and more in love with you, every single day. Eddie, you and Chris are the best thing that ever happened to me."

Eddie tugged his hand away from his mouth, and then cupped his face. "I just want to be the man you think I am."

"You are that man. I see you." Buck's eyes were bright. "I've always seen you when nobody else did."

"Because you're always looking at me," he mumbled, and Buck smiled softly at him. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Buck hugged him again, kissing his cheek. "Just talk to me about stuff, all right? Don't bottle it up. Don't act like I can't handle it. I'm tough, Eddie."

Eddie was able to laugh, sitting back on his heels. "Yeah, I know," he said, brushing his fingers through Buck's hair. "But you're always gonna be my sweet baby."

"Then take me to bed." Buck stood, stretching, but grinned when Eddie knelt on his knees in front of him. "Hello."

"Hello. Your voice sounds like absolute fucking shit, you know." Eddie kissed his stomach and then stood, reaching for the beer on the counter. He took a sip as Buck nuzzled him from behind, and leaned back into his arms. "Not long until you give this place away."

"Mmm, I'll miss our sex pad."

"We need to soundproof the main bedroom."

"I have an idea for that."

"He's right across the hall."

"Yeah, but… there's stuff we can do. And he sleeps really soundly." Buck nosed against the side of his face. "Can we go to bed now?"

Eddie finished the last of the beer and set the empty bottle on the counter. He turned around, sliding his hands up Buck's arms and around to the back of his neck. "Well, if you insist."

"I do." Buck bent down, hooking his hands under Eddie's thighs, and lifted him up into his arms. "We've got all day and night," he said, as Eddie gazed down at him adoringly. "So will you please stop trying to dump me? It's hurtful."

Eddie laughed, kissing him sweetly. "Okay."

"Come on." Buck carried him upstairs to the bed and lay him down on the covers, taking the time to peel his clothing off, piece by piece. He slid his hands all over Eddie's body, exploring the familiar territory with his fingers – the sleek lines of muscle; the moles scattered here and there; the scars on his chest. Eddie watched him with dark eyes, biting his lip, and when Buck lowered his head to take him in his mouth, he moaned.

The truth was he didn't think about women at all anymore, not when he had _this_ – the most incredible thing in the world, that made him feel alive and loved and treasured. Buck _loved him_ , worshipped him, and how would he ever find that kind of connection with someone else? Why would he ever want to?

~~

Buck spent most of the following week recuperating at Eddie's house, hanging out with Christopher in the afternoons after school, and texting with Bobby at the station for recipe ideas. He was pretty proud of himself for keeping his Diaz boys well fed – he made it his mission to try something new each day, and only one day (the day he tried to make salmon – it did not go well) did they have to abandon his cooking in favour of take-out.

His voice was coming back, almost normal again, but he still had fading bruises on his face and throat. He'd been getting groceries delivered, not really wanting to face the outside world looking like he'd been hit by a truck, but on the Friday he went to his favourite deli, picked up some sandwiches and went to meet Eddie for lunch at the station, where he was greeted with open arms by the rest of the team.

Eddie walked him out to his car after lunch, a hand on his shoulder, and said, "I organised for Hen and Karen to babysit Christopher tonight. We're going on a date."

Buck arched his eyebrows at him, surprised. "We are?"

"Yeah. I've got it all planned out." Eddie gave him a nervous grin. "Carla is already briefed; she will organise Christopher and drop him off, and I'll be home at six. We've got a reservation at seven, so… wear something nice. And maybe shave, y'know?"

"Okay," he agreed, wishing he could give him a kiss. "Will do."

"Good." Eddie flashed him a soft smile, and jogged back into the firehouse.

~

Excited, Buck immediately went home and shaved.

He then spent another hour sorting through his wardrobe, searching for that one blue button-up that made his eyes pop; that he couldn't remember wearing for Eddie before, but it wasn't _there._

So then he quickly dashed back to his apartment, wondering if it was still mixed up with the last of his clothes, and finally found it tucked in behind one of his winter coats, crinkled to all hell. He grabbed it, and the last of his clothes on the hangers for good measure, and took them back to Eddie's house to shove with the rest of his stuff.

He was ironing the shirt in the laundry when Christopher and Carla arrived. Carla watched him from the doorway, chuckling at him, and finally said, "What are you doing?"

"Eddie's taking me out on a _date_ ," he hissed at her. "I have to look nice!"

"You're terrible at ironing."

"I know, I know." He held up the shirt to examine it, and winced. "It's okay, right?"

Carla tsk'd at him, and pushed him out of the way. "Go out there and organise Christopher's bag for his sleepover; I will do this for you and you will owe me something nice."

"Thank you so much," he said gratefully, and jogged out to greet Christopher. "Come on buddy, let's get you packed up!"

~

Sure enough, Eddie arrived home promptly at six. He greeted Buck at the door with a kiss, holding him at arms' length, looking him up and down appreciatively. "Nice shirt," he said. "I haven't seen it before."

Buck beamed, and couldn’t help but sway back and forth a bit, preening under Eddie's gaze. "You like?"

"Yeah, it brings out your eyes." Eddie kissed him again – he smelled smoky, like he'd come straight from a fire without showering. "Let me get cleaned up, and then we'll go. I'm driving."

"No Uber?"

"Not tonight." Eddie flashed him a grin. "Be right back."

Buck waited in the living room, full of nervous anticipation. After twenty minutes Eddie reappeared in a dress shirt, fastening the sleeves with his one and only pair of cufflinks. Buck watched him, his mouth dry. "Am I underdressed?"

Eddie laughed. "No, you look great."

"But you're—"

"I just want to look good for you." And he did look good, damn fucking good, in his merlot coloured shirt with black dress slacks on, and a shiny pair of black shoes. Eddie tucked his wallet and phone into his pockets and nodded at Buck. "Let's go, baby."

~

Buck half expected Eddie to take him back to the fancy French restaurant they'd eaten at with his parents, but instead they drove to the waterfront, at a similarly fancy seafood restaurant near the beach. They held hands as they went inside the restaurant, and were seated at a table near the window, overlooking the water. A full moon was casting a glow on the waves as they rolled in towards the sand.

Eddie took Buck's hand across the table, lacing their fingers together. "You look beautiful," he said, dropping his voice low.

Buck beamed. "So do you."

"Have I told you today how much I love you?"

"No, but I'd like to hear all about it."

Eddie's eyes sparkled. "Well, I love you a whole damn lot, Evan Buckley. Like, a buttload."

"Jeez, a whole buttload?"

"Yeah, a whole bunch." Eddie's thumb stroked the skin on the back of Buck's hand. "And… I still feel like a dick, about our fight last week…"

"We're past that," he reassured him.

"Yeah, I know, I know, but…" Eddie let out a breath. "Baby. I've been doing a lot of thinking this week, and I had a session with Frank yesterday, just to talk things out."

"That's a good idea," Buck replied. "Therapy is good for you, so I'm told."

"Yeah, maybe you should try it sometime."

"I don't need it; I have you."

"Oh, like I'm much help." Eddie played with his fingers, and then looked up as the waiter approached them to take their drink orders. They each ordered a beer, and when they were alone again, Eddie gave him a long look. "I told Frank about you, and us… and how happy I am. And he was happy for us, and he said to say hello to you."

Buck chuckled. "Okay. Hi Frank. Why didn't you tell me you were going to see him?"

"Because I wanted to figure this shit out for myself. I'm not ashamed about being in love with you," Eddie said firmly. "I know that being gay isn't wrong. My parents projected all of this onto me and it's hard to snap out of it."

"I get that." Buck threaded their fingers together again. "I know you love me, Eds."

"Yeah, I do, and I want… to be happy, without them hanging over my head and infecting my thoughts," he said emphatically. "I want to marry you and have more kids, Buck… I want to raise our kids together and not be worried about them, all the time. But I don't know… how to do that. You have more practice at it than I do."

"Well, my parents are more openly awful," Buck said gently.

Eddie let out a breathy laugh. "Yeah, they're not great, but neither are mine. I just… I've spent my whole life trying to prove myself to them, and I think… I think I'm done with that now? Like... I don't want to do it anymore."

Buck nodded, squeezing his hand. "Okay."

"I want Christopher to know his grandparents, because they love him and he loves them," he said thoughtfully, "but I don't want them to have any say in my life. I just don't know how to do that. I think I will have to protect him if they come at us with any homophobic bullshit."

"Right."

"Which they might, but…" Eddie trailed off. "I can't keep worrying about that. I just want to think about our future, you know? What we're going to do."

Buck shifted in his seat. "Okay," he said again. "So what do you want to do, Eds?"

Eddie let out a breathy laugh, a big smile on his face. "Um… I want to talk to you about something, actually."

He froze, gripping Eddie's hand, and whispered, "Are you proposing tonight?"

"No! No. Not tonight." Eddie paused, and then asked worriedly, "Do you not want me to propose?"

"No—" Buck was cut off when the waiter appeared to take their orders.

Eddie said to Buck, "I've got this," and ordered for them both – some kind of seafood platter thing for two, and Buck was excited because it included lobster. Once the waiter had left their table, he looked at Buck again and said, "So no proposing tonight, but yes to proposing in the future?"

"Yeah, it's just that… I don't want you to feel like you need to make it special, you know? And like… I don't want a public proposal or anything. You do what you want to do, but if you literally just wake me up in the middle of the night and ask the question, you know my answer is yes."

Eddie grinned. "Okay."

"So no pressure."

"None. That's not what I wanted to talk to you about, anyway." Eddie shifted a little in his seat, clearing his throat. "So, I was thinking that when we get married, you could adopt Christopher."

Buck's heart skipped a beat. "Me? You… you want me to adopt him?"

Eddie nodded. "Yes. We'd have to talk to him about it and make sure he's on board, but… yeah, I'd like him to be able to call you his father."

"But you're his father, Eddie."

"And you are as well, more and more," he pointed out. "You live with us now. We take turns reading him stories at bedtime. You're always there for him if he needs you, and he _loves you._ And if something happened to me, I would want you looking after him."

"Nothing is going to happen to you as long as I'm around."

Eddie narrowed his eyes slightly. "Don't you start in on that self-sacrificing bullshit—"

Buck gripped his hand and said firmly, "Eddie. If it's between you and me, you know what I'll do."

"Buck."

"No arguments. Christopher may love me, but you're his father." Buck gave him a long look. "I can't promise you I won't make mistakes, Eds – I can't promise you that I won't do something that'll drive you crazy, but… if we're ever in the situation where only one of us can make it out, it's always going to be you."

"Buck," Eddie said again, swallowing hard. "We could just go together."

"No. You need to be there for Christopher." Buck bent down to kiss Eddie's fingers. "I told you, Eds. I would do anything for you guys."

"Then we're going to make damn sure that you never have to," Eddie said firmly, his voice a little hoarse. "That's not happening."

"No, but… I guess you need to know," he said quietly. "Because you'll be the one left behind."

Eddie's face twisted briefly, before he shook his head and looked out the window. "Baby, I didn't bring you out on a romantic dinner to talk about the possibility of you dying, all right? Let's just assume we're both going to live long, happy lives together with our kids, and maybe a dog one day. Deal?"

"Deal," Buck agreed. "So how angry do you think your parents will be about me adopting Christopher?"

Eddie huffed out a laugh, rolling his eyes. "Pretty angry, but who cares? He's my kid, not theirs. I decide what's best for him."

"Right." Buck looked up as their drinks arrived at the table, and he had a mouthful of beer before asking, "How many kids do you want, anyway?"

"Three," Eddie said instantly.

"Wow, okay."

"Is that… too many?"

Buck laughed. "No?"

"I just want a big family. I think Chris will be a great big brother." Eddie had a faraway look in his eyes. "And we would have to buy a new house, obviously, but… we could make it work."

"You've been thinking about this."

"Yeah, of course… you haven't been at work, so I've had to distract myself."

"Well, I'll be back soon enough. Bobby wants me to see Frank and then get a medical before I'm back, so… you won't be missing me too long. At least I don't have to do months of physical therapy this time." Buck smiled at him. "I'll be back with you before you know it."

Eddie gave his hand another squeeze and said quietly, "I'm just glad I got to you in time."

"So you've stopped blaming yourself for that then?"

"No, never." He bit down on his lip, gazing at Buck uncertainly.

"Accidents happen," Buck said gently.

"Mistakes happen."

"That wasn't a mistake and you know it – it was an accident. The guy was out of his mind." Buck rubbed his neck, briefly flashing back to the moment when those strong hands had closed around his throat, and how helpless he'd felt.

Eddie said, "I think you should definitely talk to Frank," as though he could read his mind.

"You know I hate that shit."

"Yeah, so do I. It's not fun. PTSD is a bitch, Buck… you know that. I know you do."

He nodded. "You're right; I just…"

"We don't want Christopher to end up with our hang-ups, do we?" Eddie asked him quietly. "That's what I think about… how I want better for him."

"He's not as dumb as we are, but," Buck said, and Eddie laughed. "He's going to be a rocket scientist."

"I want him to do whatever makes him happy. I don't care what it is, so long as my kid is the happiest kid in the world."

"I'm pretty sure he is," Buck replied. "He's been extra happy lately."

"That's because of you."

"No, Eds. It's because _you're_ happy," he pointed out. "He always follows your lead. If you're happy, he's happy."

Eddie was silent for a moment, staring at him with an unreadable expression on his face. He finally asked, "Do you really think so?"

"Yes."

"I never thought of it like that before."

"He's perceptive; he knows what's going on." Buck played with his fingers and then said with a grin, "He's so damn funny, Eddie. He was _roasting me_ the other afternoon when I was trying to figure out how to cook the salmon. Every time I made a mistake he'd come out with some witty comment, like… I was _annoyed_ , but also really impressed? It was hilarious."

"He's a funny genius."

"Yeah, he is. I hope he doesn't become a stand-up comic - then we're fucked."

~~

Dinner was as good as Eddie hoped it would be. Buck's eyes lit up when the platter of food arrived, and as they ate he told Eddie about the trips to the coast he'd been on when he was a little kid with Maddie and his parents, and how they were actually some of the best memories – eating lobster rolls and hot clam chowder from fishing villages along the East Coast. Eddie listened - Buck never talked about his childhood, and he was pleased that these memories were good ones for him. He even made sure that Buck had his half of the lobster as well, just to make him happy.

Afterwards they took a walk along the beach and bought some ice cream, sitting on a bench overlooking the ocean to eat it. Eddie was so goddamn in love with him that he could hardly believe that it was real; that they were planning a life together, talking about what they could do with the house and the holidays they could go on together. Buck had _something_ planned for Christmas – Eddie just wasn't sure what it was – but they talked about maybe taking a few weeks off in the New Year and going to Hawaii with Christopher.

He wanted to say, ' _maybe we should get married there?_ ' but he felt that Buck would want to be married here, with their family around them.

And besides, the thought of going on a holiday with Buck to a tropical island filled him with excitement, and they discussed renting a Jeep and exploring the islands – when Eddie asked if Buck had been there before, he'd paused before answering and said, "Yeah, when I was a kid."

Eddie hadn't been anywhere, other than to Mexico and Afghanistan. Aside from a brief visit to Florida, he'd never spent any time on the East Coast, and had always wanted to go to New York. Hell, he'd never even seen snow. He told Buck that, and Buck's eyebrows had arched up with surprise, because of course the boy from Pennsylvania had dealt with snow almost his entire life.

And then, with the moonlight glistening on the ocean, Buck pulled out his iPhone and headphones, put one in Eddie's ear and one in his own, and pressed play. Eddie had never heard the song before. He rested his head on Buck's shoulder and listened, closing his eyes.

_Because I'm still in love with you  
I want to see you dance again  
Because I'm still in love with you  
On this harvest moon_

~~

**Author's Note:**

> Find me at Tumblr: [woodchoc-magnum](https://woodchoc-magnum.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Neil Young - Harvest Moon](https://youtu.be/n2MtEsrcTTs)


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